Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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