he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I AM VODKA MAN
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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