i jhust puked up my retainher.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
