a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
