I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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