She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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