Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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