remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
