You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
