They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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