you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
