My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
