I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
