Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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