k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
