apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
