Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
