if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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