Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
