You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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