Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
