According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I believe in your delicious
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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