my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
