I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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