Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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