Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
