i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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