my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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