one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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