I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how can u be prego again
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
