According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
