I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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