Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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