Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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