I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
