Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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