Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
