make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
