I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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