If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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