Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
