I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
