the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
