I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
