i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Drunk is not a location!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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