I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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