My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
