My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
