Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
