Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
