im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
