No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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